Once upon a time there was a dark metal band from Scandanavia known as Celtic Frost
. And these guys were pretty much the darkest, baddest dudes in metal, fathering the subgenre of black metal almost singlehandedly while bands like Venom were still treating it as a joke. Celtic Frost were so drastically badass that they could do whatever they wanted, to the point that they even released a glam metal album
and no one said boo.
Okay, so that's not true. The album Cold Lake
turned scores of the horn-throwing antichrists who were the band's fans against them and they still haven't lived it down to this day. But the point is they did it anyway!
Celtic Frost soldiered on from the abandoment of their horn-throwing anthichrist fans because nothing keeps them down. They fear nothing. The lead singer even changed his last name to Warrior just to show what a badass he is. Even God doesn't mess with these guys. I have personally seen them mock the Almighty and get away with it. The bass player stood up on stage and after a rambling story about his mother's funeral loudly proclaimed that "THERE IS NO GOD!!!" And nothing happened to him. cherith
were there too. If you don't believe me ask them.
Okay, so that's not true either. Immediately after saying that the band launched into a song. And immediately after launching into the song the bassist's bass guitar cut out completely. This left him standing off to the side arguing hurriedly with a roadie while the band bravely and uncomfortably chugga-chugged on without him. It might have been coincidence, but part of me would love to think it was God having a bit of fun at his expense :)
Because nothing is more Satanic than hatred all the members of Celtic Frost hated each other. They have broken up and reformed several times but now they seem to have broken up for good. But there is no need to fear because the lead singer (that Warrior guy,) has started a new band called Tryptikon
which he says is designed to pick up where Celtic Frost left off.
See how the T's in Tryptikon are inverted crosses? Isn't that clever the way they do that to show how evil they are? And cover art by H.R. Giger so extra evil points there.
But while he was getting his ballpoint pen ready to sign the name Warrior on all the checks he was going to be cashing, Tom Warrior didn't do some very basic research. Namely to see if the name "Tryptikon" is not already associated with a ridiculous robot Godzilla from an 80's children's cartoon.
As for Celtic Frost's God-mocking bassist, no one knows what happened to him. Presumably he has started a new band and named it something he thought sounded cool and could never, ever be mistaken for a cartoon character. Like Megatron or Destro or Spongebob. Cover art probably to be done by Andres Serrano