My rainy day craft box

The heat index reached 119 in some areas around here today. Oh, wait! Did I mention that our house's air conditioning died yesterday? It did. I can't remember the last time I was this physically uncomfortable in my house. Actually I can. It was over ten years ago when the A/C didn't work in my apartment. Sitting there in my underwear with all the windows and the balcony door open. Yep. I was classy. I was also miserably hot. Our landlord is theoretically going to get it fixed tomorrow. Hope so. Really hope so.

I have three days off in a row. Bad because Job #2 didn't have any extra hours to give me. But I will try to be as productive as possible with the time. I was planning on going and seeing Transformers tomorrow but at this point staying in and playing Dragon Age and/or WoW sounds just as appealing.

Feels like forever since I've posted. The 4th of July was pleasant. My father managed to get a bunch of fireworks for 13$ and we had a good old time blowing them up. Other than that, not much happened. Playing Dragon Age: Origins again because I couldn't get my old character's info back after reformatting my computer. And I just can't play 2 without importing my adventures from Origins, you know? Having a lot of fun. The game is waaay easier to play as a mage. It's just ridiculous, in fact.

After much anticipation with getting WoW paid for again I haven't really played it much. Logged in for about half an hour on Thursday to start the Firelands quest chain and that was it. Oddly, I get more excited anymore about leveling characters up than sending my 85's to tackle new endgame content. Go figure. I'm even getting a serious jones to play Horde again despite having played Alliance exclusively since shortly before Wrath of the Lich King.

I'll get right on that after I shatter a few more frozen Darkspawn who have been infected with Walking Bomb...

So I have been on a serious, serious H.P. Lovecraft kick lately. Just really gotten obsessed with his stories all of a sudden. And I've got to be honest. It's frustrating. Why? Because he published 70 stories during his lifetime and the Great Old Ones, Outer Gods, etc. (a.k.a., the stuff you immediately think of when you think of Lovecraft,) only appear in like, TEN of them. The other 60 stories aren't bad, you can clearly see in them where he's trying to find his own voice distinctive from that of his idols like Poe and Machen. But they're not what you're really paying to see.

It's like how you go to see a Transformers movie for the sole purpose of watching robots fight and spout pithy one-liners at each other. Yet Bay and Spielberg insist on forcing a pair of untalented twentysomethings pretending to be teenagers (who have inexplicably been spray-painted orange,) onto center screen for 75% of the movie.

It's like how you expect pussy but all you get is tits with the bra on. And though pulsing, green, insidiously tentacled pussy it might be, it is still the pussy you want. And lo though the tits may be Elder tits from beyond the Cosmos whose sanity-warping visage is obscured only barely and not for eternity by the meagerest of bras that we misguidedly call "reality," it is still tits with the bra on.

Why, Howard? Why did you die so young and leave us with so little? Why must I now sit here in frustration, dreaming of the robot fights and braless tits that might have been?

Once upon a time there was a dark metal band from Scandanavia known as Celtic Frost. And these guys were pretty much the darkest, baddest dudes in metal, fathering the subgenre of black metal almost singlehandedly while bands like Venom were still treating it as a joke. Celtic Frost were so drastically badass that they could do whatever they wanted, to the point that they even released a glam metal album and no one said boo.

Okay, so that's not true. The album Cold Lake turned scores of the horn-throwing antichrists who were the band's fans against them and they still haven't lived it down to this day. But the point is they did it anyway!

Celtic Frost soldiered on from the abandoment of their horn-throwing anthichrist fans because nothing keeps them down. They fear nothing. The lead singer even changed his last name to Warrior just to show what a badass he is. Even God doesn't mess with these guys. I have personally seen them mock the Almighty and get away with it. The bass player stood up on stage and after a rambling story about his mother's funeral loudly proclaimed that "THERE IS NO GOD!!!" And nothing happened to him. cherith , darkpriestss , ysathora and zombiecowboy were there too. If you don't believe me ask them.

Okay, so that's not true either. Immediately after saying that the band launched into a song. And immediately after launching into the song the bassist's bass guitar cut out completely. This left him standing off to the side arguing hurriedly with a roadie while the band bravely and uncomfortably chugga-chugged on without him. It might have been coincidence, but part of me would love to think it was God having a bit of fun at his expense :)

Because nothing is more Satanic than hatred all the members of Celtic Frost hated each other. They have broken up and reformed several times but now they seem to have broken up for good. But there is no need to fear because the lead singer (that Warrior guy,) has started a new band called Tryptikon which he says is designed to pick up where Celtic Frost left off.



See how the T's in Tryptikon are inverted crosses? Isn't that clever the way they do that to show how evil they are? And cover art by H.R. Giger so extra evil points there.

But while he was getting his ballpoint pen ready to sign the name Warrior on all the checks he was going to be cashing, Tom Warrior didn't do some very basic research. Namely to see if the name "Tryptikon" is not already associated with a ridiculous robot Godzilla from an 80's children's cartoon.
As for Celtic Frost's God-mocking bassist, no one knows what happened to him. Presumably he has started a new band and named it something he thought sounded cool and could never, ever be mistaken for a cartoon character. Like Megatron or Destro or Spongebob. Cover art probably to be done by Andres Serrano !

Dr. Mr. Weaving.

Like many lifelong die-hard Transformers fans, I was determined to avoid the Spielberg-produced, Michael Bay-directed Transformers. Based on the character designs and Bay and Spielberg's reasoning behind them I was convinced they had gotten the Transformers all wrong and completely missed the point.

Then I checked IMDB on a whim and saw that you were playing Megatron. Hugo Weaving, one of my favorite actors portraying Megatron, one of my favorite villains. I had no choice. I had to see it if only for you.

Mr. Weaving, you did not disappoint.

God bless you, Hugo Weaving, you have done more than just make my summer. You have made Transformers for me all over again.

Sincerely,

Der Uberreiniger

In honor of the mighty Hugo Weaving portraying the mighty Megatron I came up with the following joke. A joke which, frankly I am amazed no one else has thought of already.

( Why are you clicking the link? You already know what it's going to say. )

Thank you. This joke and all previous variations thereof will now be allowed to die and given a state funeral.