Creatures that Kissed in Cold Mirrors

[uberreiniger]

The things we say in writing that can't be said in real life. It's why I became a writer in the first place. Now those skills are coming in handy.

I dated a girl named Carie for a while. I met her my first year of college and we stayed in touch after I switched colleges my second year. Time passed and eventually we became more than friends. It was an emotional comfort thing for me at the time since I was at this point still very depressed about Lesley. Carie understood that and all was well. But her feelings deepened while mine did not and it was a ruinous end. We never fully quit talking to each other, but for the past two years many weeks and sometimes months will pass between our talks instead of talking every day. And things have just gotten more and more tense each time we do.

Long story short, she has a new computer and we're talking over e-mail now. Really talking, I should say, since for the first time we're addressing the underlying issues instead of whatever we happen to argue about on the phone while the unpsoken subtext plays itself out. I don't know if this will make things any better or if it will finally lead us to the conclusion that our friendship can no longer survive. Either way, I feel better for getting things off my chest. I hope she does too.

Does anybody else have the kind of strained relationship with exes that I do? Is this normal? I guess I should probably be grateful to be having relationships with them at all since most people lose track of their exes completely. Just something I'm curious about.

Comments

[etan.livejournal.com]

it's hard to say "strained," i mean, i'd say it's more acurately "we hate each other with a venemous passion." Last time I saw her, I literally bumped into her at Hot Topic. Both of our imediate reactions were to turn around and walk away as quickly as possible. I use the Linkin Park album Hybrid Theory as the soundtrack for that part of my life...

[megiloth.livejournal.com]

I generally don't talk to my exeseses. Except maybe THIS ONE, but I wouldn't consider it to be an open and honest communication, or a relationship that we mutually nurture each other's emotions.

For me, only knowing that nasty things happen to them...such as THIS ONE. I'm sure I could be civil in public if I happened to run into an ex in public, but I wouldn't go out of my way to repair things.

CLICK ME

[stitchedsutures.livejournal.com]

i wouldnt say it is "strained", but i hear from my last boyfriend (anthony) maybe once a month or so through email. Its not like we even talk about anything meaningful or deep. just "so.. how's work? are they still fucking you around out there?" sorta stuff that really doesnt go anywhere but is friendly. I think any communication we still have is just because we were friends before we dated and we didnt want to end on bad terms. rather, i dont think he wanted me to hate him(or more importantly stop listening to metal.. its sad but true and this is one of the last things he ever said to me), since he did the dumping in what i feel is a rather spinless manner, and i never did get to say how i felt or get anything off my chest for closure. I wonder if he somehow feels "obligated" to keep in touch or something, since i'm friends with some of his friends too. Anyway, its not bad to hear from him and i like to hear what's up but i really have no desire to see him anymore at this point since i feel my thoughts and feelings were pretty much ignored for quite some time, and now is way too late to keep bringing up crap like that. I've thought about making some cut tag post about how i feel in this matter, but i dont really see what good venting about it now (over a year later) would do for me since i've already moved on with life and am happy.

Although it is interesting how people usually dont discuss past relationships very often with their current companions, yet they carry all the hurt, baggage and weird thinking that was part of their past relationships into the new one. I think that the past relationships very much affect(either positively or negatively) our current and future ones.

[uberreiniger.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I've noticed most people only talk about how they were treated in past relationships with their current companion when the current relationship is already in trouble - and by then, it's usually too late for the information to be helpful because the damage resultant from the past situation(s) has already been done. I personally don't understand why it's such a taboo to talk about past relationships with current ones. If they care about your life so much, shouldn't it be something they want to hear? But no, we have to go through our petty little motions of feeling threatened and feeling like we're being compared - as if they'd be with you if the previous person was so much better than you like you fear. It's hopeless and stupid and then we wonder why marriages don't last.

[donkeyjon.livejournal.com]

I'm on great terms with all of my exes except the latest one. I'm fairly certain she hates my guts, and rightly so. The real problem is that she works at Waldenbooks, so I am forced to go to Hastings for my reading material.

Other than that, I get along well with my past GFs. That having been said, I don't speak to them more than once every 6 months or so, and then only for 5 minutes, maybe. It's very hard to have a strained relationship when you never see each other.

[uberreiniger.livejournal.com]

That sounds like me too. And indeed, when you're talking to someone only that often it is hard for anything to be truly "wrong." It's just for me it feels like it's being kept to that minimum of time only because it's inviting disaster if it goes any longer. But like I said, all things considered, one is fortunate to have anything at all.

[(Anonymous)]

I generally don't talk to girlfriends past. My first breakup was really the only messy one I had (which I attribute to my own immaturity).

But after I'm no longer emotionally invested in someone I once was, it's always awkward for me. I never know what safe territory is anymore.

Usually we drift apart and are complete strangers inside of six months. After that, I just sorta let go, as it were.

Actually I've lost close friends in a similar process as a result of irreconcilable differences.

-noysh

[uberreiniger.livejournal.com]

Yes, I think you've hit upon the biggest issue for me, not knowing what the safe territory is. The whole swathes of things you took for granted talking about before now seeming unsafe (and they usually seem unsafe because they are,) really takes its toll. Thanks for fingering something I was having a hard time pinning down. It seems really simple and obvious, but I've just not thought of it in such succinct terms as this.

[irateredhead.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I think it is quite normal to have a difficult relationship with an ex, especially depending on the manner in which you broke up. In my experience, exes being still being good friends is somewhat unusual, though not impossible.

[nolens-volens.livejournal.com]

I've had a range of results - there are a few I hate with a fiery passion and a few that I'm still friends with and talk to routinely - but I've lost contact with the majority of my exes. I've found that it's easier to remain friends if you had the sort of breakup where you both determine that friendship was a better path for you than romance.

My current issues with Kevin have been (and continue to be) tough. I enjoyed the friendship element of our relationship so much that I hate to think I've lost it. My problem is that I know he wants to keep in contact, but he's always going to be looking for more. And I'm always going to be worried that there's an ulterior motive to what he's doing or pressure to talk about (or not to talk about) elements of my life now. He wants to talk again, but I don't know if either saying yes or no is the better thing for me to do.

It's always hard to know what to do and how to act after a break-up. My only advice is to do what feels comfortable to you. If it's too strained, then is it worth it? Maybe so, maybe not. It's the same thing I'm struggling with.

[uberreiniger.livejournal.com]

Indeed. Carie told me that a friend described her and my relationship as "the most healthy dysfunctional relationship she had ever heard of." I had to wholeheartedly concur. Our relationship is beautiful and messy with few things not done to extremes. This round of emails was helpful, we both agree. The true test will be the next time we speak on the phone. We're good at pushing each other's buttons in verbal communication and the challenge will be to take what we've learned communicating in writing and not push those buttons anymore.

Another thought

[(Anonymous)]

I have fairly good relationships with most of my exes. Probably, though, because I have made a huge effort to seek closure with them and maintain good terms. There is one that I have some unfinished business with and that's the one you went to high school with who is now (thankfully) behind bars. Anyway...just my thoughts.
Suzee
violentlyoriginal

Re: Another thought

[uberreiniger.livejournal.com]

I had a dream about him not too long ago. I do on occasion. It's difficult for me to think about him without an overwhelming sense of loss and waste. It'd be one thing if he'd just screwed up his own life. But he hurt and disappointed so many people in the process.

[anirishspitfire.livejournal.com]

Beautiful title, as always, might I note.

I'm glad to hear you're working out issues that have long weighed on both of you, and hopefully if nothing else, it will blossom anew into a friendship once more. If not, at least you will both have the closure of parting on good terms with slates of doubt washed clean. Good luck! ~hug~

[uberreiniger.livejournal.com]

Yes. Things do seem to be somewhat more at ease now that we've had this batch of e-mails. The true test will be the next time we talk on the phone so... I guess phase 1 complete.

[batchix.livejournal.com]

I tend to go both ways. I am still very close friends with Lee and James. It took about two years of none of us talking, but we found that we still got along(all three of us*cough*). It helps that James is a LOT like dave and the two of them get along really well and very little truely bothers Lee.
I don't talk to Sean or Tom, mostly because I live no where near them and we didn't have friendship as a basis when our relationships began. But it has more to do with, I think, the fact that Lee and James are much more mature than Tom or Sean. Tom is still a loose drunk- if amiable enough... and Sean has always seen things as being won or lost... not just changed. :/
As for the guys I dated before any of them... They changed so much that there's nothing but distant memories and extremely meandering lines of mutal friends between us.

Which reminds me... are you going the weekend of the 23? I've lost a lot of crsp in LJ because of work. X3

[uberreiniger.livejournal.com]

It doesn't look like I will be going, sadly, for numerous reasons. I'd like to plan a trip down to Manhattan again in the near future though, to make some more movies. I'll talk with you more once I get an appointment set up for my getting my wisdom teeth out.