Uberreiniger against the music

[uberreiniger]

What does a lonely single guy living in his folks' basement do when he's whethering the night indoors due to a terrific snowstorm? Why, he watches foot-fetish porn and masturbates like a fiend, of course! channel surfs and winds up watching VH-1's top 40 videos of 2003 of course! Now, if you're like me and generally only listen to music which most would construe as non-commercial, encountering such a program can be like making first contact with an alien species. An alien species whom you fear and mistrust and feel it is in the best interest of your planet to destroy.

It is one thing to know that most pop music is pointless drivel, which, like pornography, degrades both its performer and its audience. It is another thing to meet such truth face to face in the dark alleys of your own mind. VH-1 used to be a decent network which approached the more absurd side of the music world with tongue firmly in cheek. Think "Behind the Music" when that show was good. Somewhere along the line, it has just become MTV's Mini-Me. But you already knew that, so when I tell you this program was two hours of unfunny commedians, uber-hip pop culture journalists and other know-nothings talking down to the viewing audience about simple-minded songs whose meanings were, nevertheless, beyond them it will come as no surprise. But, damn, if ever there was a time when megiloth's Amish death metal heroes Horsebuggy Slaughtercult needed to burst on the music scene and revitalize things, it's now.

Most of these videos I was seeing for the first time. And some of them were actually quite good. Pink looks damn good whupping ass on a bunch of cowboys in a saloon fight. I've always admired the fact she doesn't take herself too seriously in the whole pop diva thing. It's a shame she too has fallen prey to lesbian chic and started swapping spit with that Terminatrix chic from Terimator 3. Liz Phair's always good even though she suddenly thinks she's Sheryl Crow. One of the vapid, soulless talking heads on the program described Liz as "rock's premier M.I.L.F." and I couldn't agree more. And everyone knows I'm an Evanescence fanboy. They can do no wrong. Providing Amy Lee never trades in her artistic cred and starts shaking that than and talking about how she wants to "git wit choo." But we don't know anybody who's done that. *coughcoughJEWEL!coughcough*

Then there was that most troubling of categories. Wonderful songs by performers who need to be beaten harshly with a tire iron. Christina Aguillera's "Beautiful" is a good song. I'll admit it. It's nice. I sing along to it. So sue me. She's got a good brassy voice. Kind of makes me think of a young Tina Turner. She could really be something if she tried. Unfortunately, she's far too happy wallowing in smutty pop divadom and bragging about all the cock/pussy/both she gets. (Read an interview with her sometime. It's painful like an alkali douche.) Nothing angers me more than people who waste their talent.

I mentioned Jewel. Now I'll admit, Jewel at her peak was always too much of a whiny left-wing intellectual for my taste. Now, I cry and beg for that Jewel to return. I miss the sensitve artist with her acoustic guitar. Love her or hate her, at least she was *real* then. Watching her shake her ass reminds me of when Amy Grant went mainstream and non-Christian. Sure, I was never a fan, but something about watching her apple-cheeked wholesomeness deteriorate into trash was difficult. It's like coming home from church to find your precious teenaged daughter whom it seems like just yesterday you built the Barbie Dreamhouse for late on Christmas eve for her to discover as a gift from Santa the next morning being had in the fingercuffs position by the first-string quarterback and wide receiver from the local community college. Of course, we get commentary from Jewel elaborating that this piece of R&-Wanna-B is a SOCIAL SATIRE. Oh RIGHT! I GET IT! It's kind of like back in the day when Def Leppard or Motley Crue would put out the most sexist, misogynistic cock rock song they could think of, complete with accompanying video for which they recruited every stripper in L.A., then explain that they weren't actually CONDONING such behaviour, but MAKING FUN of people who engaged in it! Whatever, Poetess of the Frozen North. I didn't buy it from them and I don't buy it from you either. Your sell-out may not be as painful to watch as watching one's daughter pleasure a total of 20" of cock, but it's the same ballpark.

There were other offenders whose very existence bespeaks the depth of their transgression. Beyonce "Pleeease buy me a record deal, daddy!" Knowles. Kid "I mix da PUNK RAWK wit da HIP HOP!!!" Rock. Some ugly Canadians with guitars. (Nickleback.) And of course, Brittany and Madonna.

I don't care what the world thinks. I still think Madonna is hot. Brittany, thine eyes offend me, that's why it amuses me so much that your sugar momma is using you to stay in the spotlight. Madonna's always seemed to enjoy slumming among her lessers when pursuing a lesbian fling (does anyone remember Sandra Bernhard? No, I didn't think you did.) It just makes her look better and Brittany looks worse, which is good after all. Take a good look, there's no question who's wearing the strap-on in that relationship.

Did I mention there was even a band on there. (Their name elludes me,) Who explained the inspiration for their song as being that the record company "was pressuring them to write a single?" I hereby reverse my stance on file-stealing. If I knew these bastards' names, I'd say go download their entire album, send it to fifty people and have each of them send it to fifty more people, make their sales plummet, force them to get real jobs, (you know, male prostitutes or dishwashers, something that DOESN'T require being somebody's bitch!) And watch the recording industry burn, BURN, BURN!!!

Anyway, that's how you waste a weekend down here. I think I'll mosey upstairs and see if the snow has stopped. The FAO Schwartz store down on the Plaza is preparing for their entire corporation's imminent collapse and have all their toys 20% off. I'd like to see if there's any goodies I can scoop up for use in future "G.I. Joe Insider" films with the rest of my Gabriel-36 cohorts. (I'd like to say I have some nieces and nephews to shop for but sadly I don't.) So if I want to get there before the close-out ship sails into the sunset, it'll mean taking my four-cylinder, two-wheel drive out among the drifts and SUV-driving soccer moms who think they can speed and then stop on a dime on an ice sheet.

The things I do for filmmaking.

Comments

[megiloth.livejournal.com]

But, damn, if ever there was a time when megiloth's Amish death metal heroes Horsebuggy Slaughtercult needed to burst on the music scene and revitalize things, it's now.

They prefer to be referred to as "Grim Amish Black Harvest Metal" \m/\m/

And everyone knows I'm an Evanescence fanboy.

You trendy bitch...hehe. Just because they have an ex-member of Living Sacrifice doesn't make 'em special.

[uberreiniger.livejournal.com]

Actually, I got into them completely independent of the rest of the world. Someone on LJ said they were good, so I went to their website and listened to a few songs, went out and bought the cd the next day. About a week later I figured out they were huge and I was like "oh." I didn't even know Rocky was in the band till after I opened up the disc.