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Mar. 16th, 2006 05:11 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
uberreinigerI keep trying to get up the energy to post something. I've got a lot of thoughts I'd like to say swirling around in my head but they don't feel like coming out. I would like to address something that's been going around in my mind for a while and has been building in intensity. I really hope I don't offend anyone with this question, but my mind won't leave it alone.
This one is for the parents or those thinking about becoming them at some point: what made you decide to have kids and why? I'm genuinely curious. It seems as more and more time passes that the very idea of it makes less and less sense to me and I can't understand why anyone else would willingly do it. Maybe it's because all my life I've always looked at having children as something you do when you're "older" and I definately don't feel "older" yet. I still feel like I'm a kid even though I'm almost thirty. But a certain misanthropy taints my view as well and I don't like it. My attitude ranges from puzzled bewilderment on the best days to, on the worst days, the rather bitter, hostile view that the absolute last thing this planet needs is another fucking human being living on it.
Either way, it's a view that's completely negative and unhealthy. I need some positive views to balance it. Of course, I'd like to hear others' thoughts on the more negative aspects of parenthood as well. I hope my request and my thoughts have made sense. Thanks in advance to anyone who wants to answer.
On to my real life, it's pretty much revolving around the play. Waiting For Godot, despite being one of the most respected and analyzed plays of the 20th century is woefully underappreciated and misunderstood. I think most people only half-understand it and take it too much at face value. It gets called Absurdism when really, it's not absurd at all. Reading it might make it seem that way, but when you begin to act it out it all makes perfect sense. *shrug* Tonight's rehearsal was bad. We got stuck on act 2 where the two main characters cannot remember their lines at all. We open in a week now, so it's stressful for all involved. It was an easy rehearsal for me since I lay on the stage for most of the act and have no lines in it at all. But laying on sheets of chipboard atop a concrete floor for two hours has disadvantages of its own too.
On the home front, Mel turned in her two week notice at her retail job since she has an opprotunity for full-time hours at the library. There's no guarantee those full-time hours will stay there, but after much discussion we decided it was worth the risk. It will be better for us both in the long run and make it easier for us to spend time together more, which is a good thing.
And... before I knew it I had a very long and rambling post on my hands where I basically wound up saying all the things i thought were too much trouble to go to the effort of saying. Way to go me! The end.
This one is for the parents or those thinking about becoming them at some point: what made you decide to have kids and why? I'm genuinely curious. It seems as more and more time passes that the very idea of it makes less and less sense to me and I can't understand why anyone else would willingly do it. Maybe it's because all my life I've always looked at having children as something you do when you're "older" and I definately don't feel "older" yet. I still feel like I'm a kid even though I'm almost thirty. But a certain misanthropy taints my view as well and I don't like it. My attitude ranges from puzzled bewilderment on the best days to, on the worst days, the rather bitter, hostile view that the absolute last thing this planet needs is another fucking human being living on it.
Either way, it's a view that's completely negative and unhealthy. I need some positive views to balance it. Of course, I'd like to hear others' thoughts on the more negative aspects of parenthood as well. I hope my request and my thoughts have made sense. Thanks in advance to anyone who wants to answer.
On to my real life, it's pretty much revolving around the play. Waiting For Godot, despite being one of the most respected and analyzed plays of the 20th century is woefully underappreciated and misunderstood. I think most people only half-understand it and take it too much at face value. It gets called Absurdism when really, it's not absurd at all. Reading it might make it seem that way, but when you begin to act it out it all makes perfect sense. *shrug* Tonight's rehearsal was bad. We got stuck on act 2 where the two main characters cannot remember their lines at all. We open in a week now, so it's stressful for all involved. It was an easy rehearsal for me since I lay on the stage for most of the act and have no lines in it at all. But laying on sheets of chipboard atop a concrete floor for two hours has disadvantages of its own too.
On the home front, Mel turned in her two week notice at her retail job since she has an opprotunity for full-time hours at the library. There's no guarantee those full-time hours will stay there, but after much discussion we decided it was worth the risk. It will be better for us both in the long run and make it easier for us to spend time together more, which is a good thing.
And... before I knew it I had a very long and rambling post on my hands where I basically wound up saying all the things i thought were too much trouble to go to the effort of saying. Way to go me! The end.
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Date: 2006-03-16 01:51 pm (UTC)but there's something else. Something underneath it .. that just ... feels dirty. Maybe it's my inherent loathing for humans that is causing it, because I am sort of disgusted by the fact that no matter what gender my child is or how they turn out - they grow inside me and then come out - so much for feminine pride, huh?
During that thoughtwave I also experience feelings for the child - would they hate me for bringing them into this shit world and then move away like I did? Would I be able to handle putting all of that out there just to have them leave and not speak to me again?
My mother always asks me if I am going to provide her with grandchildren. She just doesn't understand. I don't want children because I don't want to be my mother. She had me when she wasn't ready to have children, and I don't want to repeat that. I was isolated, lonely while growing up - because even then I didn't think the world was worth paying attention to.
There are good things about having kids I suppose - but aside from cute little drawings of "mommy and kitty" on the fridge, I don't know what they are :(
And yes, the job thing w/Mel is a very good thing. I didn't get my coach job, but I *did* get the shift 1030-7 and my hours will be more in tune with Evan's now - we will still not be able to carpool, and there will still be days when I get home before him, but I won't have to go to bed so early anymore - and we can watch conan together again :)
no subject
Date: 2006-03-17 04:43 am (UTC)I've gotten way off track. Your reasons are very valid and we have a lot in common. I don't feel confident enough to be a parent. I can't afford to support one. And I felt a lot of isolation in my childhood. I was bullied a lot and it left me thinking children aren't that great. Thankfully, my parents don't pressure me, but I know they'd like grandchildren even if they don't say it. It's only natural, I guess. And that makes me feel bad even though it shouldn't.