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uberreinigerA few weeks ago I posted my thoughts on giving money to homeless beggars. I stand by those remarks that I made. However...
...So help me, if I meet one more panhandler pushing the same tired story about how they "ran out of gas" I'm going to do something very drastic. It seems to be a popular scam here in Kansas City. Last week I had to run a woman off our client's property who has repeatedly bothered the employees as they're entering the parking lot with a sob story about how her two year-old daughter is in the car across the street and they're out of gas and she's from Chicago and doesn't know anyone, blah, blah, blah. She's been broken down across the street for over a year now. Her daughter must be getting very hungry.
Just now I stopped at the Quik Trip across the street to gas up as I was finishing my exterior patrol when a guy stumbles upon me with the out-of-gas story AGAIN! This guy was going all-out, too, with props and everything! He had a gas can in his hand. He'd parked his van in the parking lot with the hazard lights blinking and all the doors open. Quite lovely. Almost convincing. But if you're out of gas and at a gas station, why not coast your vehicle on up to a pump? And you really mean to tell me you're out at 5:00 am without a scrap of cash, no credit card, no debit card, no personal checks, no nothing? Uh, sorry pal. Would like to go for Double Jeopardy where the scores can REALLY change?
And here's another fact of which I think dong-toking asshats like this one should really be made aware: NOBODY in the real world has EVER run out of gas! Even among the stupidest people I have ever met, (and there are many,) NOT ONE of them has EVER been stupid enough to allow the fuel in their vehicle to entirely deplete. Running out of gas is something which only happens in horror movies so that the nubile teens will be stranded with no means of escape from the flesh-eating lunatics. And even this device is so ridiculous that it has been almost universally replaced by that more believable of gremlins: the broken fan belt.
That's right. Horror movies dropping a cliche because it's not believable enough. That should say something to any prospective beggars about their chances.
Amusing footnote: the woman "from Chicago", as I was running her off the other day, told me to have "a blessed day." Nice use of religious guilt there to make your persecutors pity you. Apparently she missed thepart about "Thou Shalt Not Steal." If you're such a religious con artist, maybe you should ask Jesus to help you with your story. Why? Because Jesus heals the lame and nothing is lamer than your pitiful con.
Tell me anything, you unimaginative reprobates. Tell me you were mugged by ninjas. Tell me your little girl is being held hostage and they're going to kill her unless you come up with ten million dollars. Hell, tell me you don't have medical insurance and need money to buy your perscription drugs, (in fact, that one I might actually believe!) But DON'T tell me you ran out of gas.
And in case you're wondering, no. I didn't give him anything.
*ADDENDUM* Please do not comment if you're going to say that you wound up stranded somewhere with no gas and how I won't think it's funny when it happens to me. I will mock you. I don't care how much I love you or how good a friend you are. I will still mock you. If Lesley herself were to come before me clad in nothing but a see-through negligee` and begging me to bury my smoldering erection deep within her hungry loins, only to mention that her car happens to be completely out of gas, I would desist in my gropings and mock her. If the final avatar of the Hindu god Vishnu were to materialize before me and announce that he has come to begin the final battle against the Demon Rakshasas and deliver the world into a new age of enlightened peace, all he needs is ten bucks to get his Honda going again, I would mock him. Go Demon Rakshasas! If my favorite metal band were to show up on my doorstep and ask me to play guitar for them because their guitarist quit and, oh, by the way, they weren't paying attention to the guage and just let the petrol in the van completely run out... well, you get the idea.
...So help me, if I meet one more panhandler pushing the same tired story about how they "ran out of gas" I'm going to do something very drastic. It seems to be a popular scam here in Kansas City. Last week I had to run a woman off our client's property who has repeatedly bothered the employees as they're entering the parking lot with a sob story about how her two year-old daughter is in the car across the street and they're out of gas and she's from Chicago and doesn't know anyone, blah, blah, blah. She's been broken down across the street for over a year now. Her daughter must be getting very hungry.
Just now I stopped at the Quik Trip across the street to gas up as I was finishing my exterior patrol when a guy stumbles upon me with the out-of-gas story AGAIN! This guy was going all-out, too, with props and everything! He had a gas can in his hand. He'd parked his van in the parking lot with the hazard lights blinking and all the doors open. Quite lovely. Almost convincing. But if you're out of gas and at a gas station, why not coast your vehicle on up to a pump? And you really mean to tell me you're out at 5:00 am without a scrap of cash, no credit card, no debit card, no personal checks, no nothing? Uh, sorry pal. Would like to go for Double Jeopardy where the scores can REALLY change?
And here's another fact of which I think dong-toking asshats like this one should really be made aware: NOBODY in the real world has EVER run out of gas! Even among the stupidest people I have ever met, (and there are many,) NOT ONE of them has EVER been stupid enough to allow the fuel in their vehicle to entirely deplete. Running out of gas is something which only happens in horror movies so that the nubile teens will be stranded with no means of escape from the flesh-eating lunatics. And even this device is so ridiculous that it has been almost universally replaced by that more believable of gremlins: the broken fan belt.
That's right. Horror movies dropping a cliche because it's not believable enough. That should say something to any prospective beggars about their chances.
Amusing footnote: the woman "from Chicago", as I was running her off the other day, told me to have "a blessed day." Nice use of religious guilt there to make your persecutors pity you. Apparently she missed thepart about "Thou Shalt Not Steal." If you're such a religious con artist, maybe you should ask Jesus to help you with your story. Why? Because Jesus heals the lame and nothing is lamer than your pitiful con.
Tell me anything, you unimaginative reprobates. Tell me you were mugged by ninjas. Tell me your little girl is being held hostage and they're going to kill her unless you come up with ten million dollars. Hell, tell me you don't have medical insurance and need money to buy your perscription drugs, (in fact, that one I might actually believe!) But DON'T tell me you ran out of gas.
And in case you're wondering, no. I didn't give him anything.
*ADDENDUM* Please do not comment if you're going to say that you wound up stranded somewhere with no gas and how I won't think it's funny when it happens to me. I will mock you. I don't care how much I love you or how good a friend you are. I will still mock you. If Lesley herself were to come before me clad in nothing but a see-through negligee` and begging me to bury my smoldering erection deep within her hungry loins, only to mention that her car happens to be completely out of gas, I would desist in my gropings and mock her. If the final avatar of the Hindu god Vishnu were to materialize before me and announce that he has come to begin the final battle against the Demon Rakshasas and deliver the world into a new age of enlightened peace, all he needs is ten bucks to get his Honda going again, I would mock him. Go Demon Rakshasas! If my favorite metal band were to show up on my doorstep and ask me to play guitar for them because their guitarist quit and, oh, by the way, they weren't paying attention to the guage and just let the petrol in the van completely run out... well, you get the idea.
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no subject
Date: 2004-02-19 04:57 am (UTC)yes, i hear you on the completely obvious scam crap that people do, making unbelievable stories that dont even make sense when you stand back for a second to look at the picture as a whole. It pisses me off even more when the able bodied yet punky haired street kids sit around panhandling instead of working since "one of my friends here is pregnant and we need to eat"..er.. quit stopping peolpe like me who are on their way to a JOB and go push a broom around you moron. and if your friend is dumb enough to procreate while being a homeless street kid with no job(who obviously has money for shitloads of manic panic haircolor each week), maybe she oughtta learn how to push one as well.
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Date: 2004-02-19 06:56 am (UTC)And Anthony. Yeah, I could see it from him. I'll bet you were asking the same question I am: "HTF do you run out of gas!?"
Re: Addendum's addendum
Date: 2004-02-19 07:02 am (UTC)Re: Addendum's addendum
Date: 2004-02-19 10:19 am (UTC)Re:
Date: 2004-02-19 10:33 am (UTC)hah. i know you were making a point and i got it.. i'm just being an asshole :D
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Date: 2004-02-19 06:32 pm (UTC)Re:
Date: 2004-02-19 10:23 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-02-19 06:36 am (UTC)I'm unable to work follwoing a trauma. You see, my buddy and I were at the bar, and this girl was really into the idea of doing both of us at once. Now, we'd never considered this type of thing before, but we're red-blooded American guys, so we went for it.
Then...then it all went bad. My penis touched his penis somewhere mid-coitus. Both of us froze. We didn't know what to do. We'd never planned for this to happen. Were we gay?!?
So I haven't been able to work since then, and I can't pay rent if I don't work. Please. Anything you can spare would be great. God loves you!
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Date: 2004-02-19 07:07 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-02-19 07:05 am (UTC)bleck to beggars! if they asked me for cash and they were REALLY homeless instead of giving them cash I would buy them food from McDonalds or something that way they don't spend it on booze.
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Date: 2004-02-19 08:09 am (UTC)Please buy me booze. I promise that if you buy me booze I will go away and drink it somewhere where I won't pee or vomit on you or anything you own.
mmmmm....booze...
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Date: 2004-02-19 03:26 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-02-19 08:42 am (UTC)I typically don't give to beggars, think I did once. Think I gave gas money to some guys once, but they were fairly upfront about it, they blew there money on getting into the party I was at and had like no gase, so I gave them two bucks me thinks...was a long time ago.
no subject
Date: 2004-02-19 09:59 am (UTC)On the other hand there are morons like my ex, Sean. He WANTED to see how close his new car's "e" was to actually being empty. Lo and behold it was all of about HALF A MILE. Idiot. Then he didn't want to go and get the can filled(it's a $20 deposit- however it's also refunded when you COME BACK WITH IT)... he wanted us(and I was wearing a dress at 10pm in 35 degree weather on Broadway in Denver) to push the stupid cougar three blocks to the next gas station.
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Date: 2004-02-19 10:26 am (UTC)haha. i saw him before i left denver and he was living in an apt. over this costume shop and i think he has a different junker of a car now, but same sean. i took him to a locak $5 metal show and he ran around in the front with his tie(yes.. a tie at a metal show) shoved up around his head like rambo or something. it was kinda embarassing to say that i brought him, but i was cool enough in the scene(hah. me. cool) at the time and drinking enough so that i didnt care. he was just having a good time... in that messed up way that only he seems to like.
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Date: 2004-02-19 10:21 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-02-19 11:29 am (UTC)Re:
Date: 2004-02-19 10:25 pm (UTC)No symapthy for beggars.
Once I was dumb enough to leave a small cooler with my lunch in the back of my truck. I went back to it within 5 minutes only to find it and that litte beggar group gone.
no subject
Date: 2004-02-19 08:24 pm (UTC)I dunno, I also just find it hard to give people money like that. You should be PREPARED, especially for something like gas!!! I dunno. Not that I don't support and recognize that some people do need help, but heck, when their cars, clothes, etc. are nicer than mine and they say it's not a scam right up front...it's just a wee bit suspicious.
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Date: 2004-02-19 10:27 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-02-22 09:38 am (UTC)Re:
Date: 2004-02-22 12:18 pm (UTC)Re:
Date: 2004-02-23 01:17 pm (UTC)