William S. Burroughs, Michael Jackson, and YOU!

[uberreiniger]

My dear friend Goose had a theory about the author and counterculture icon William S. Burroughs. His theory was that Burroughs was put on earth to do certain things and discover that they were, in fact, a bad idea so that no one else would have to do them. He called it the "Uncle Billy Already Did It" theory. For example: "I don't have to inject heroin into my eyeball to know it's a bad idea because Uncle Billy already did it!" or "I don't have to shoot my wife in the head and leave her brain-dead to know it's a bad idea 'cause Uncle Billy already did it."

Friends, Uncle Billy accomplished a great deal in his life, but then he tragically left us. But fear not, for God has not abandoned us! He has sent us a new Uncle Billy in the form of Michael Jackson, and this brave figure seems hellbent to continue doing things no matter how bad an idea they are. Watching his life might be like watching stomach surgery right now, but some day, years from now, just think how we will be able to look back and say "I don't need to _____ a twelve year-old cancer patient in the ___ to know it's a bad idea 'cause Uncle Jacko already did it!" And the world will be a better place.

I guess sometimes you have to go through the darkness in order to see the light.

Comments

[megiloth.livejournal.com]

I don't need to _____ a twelve year-old cancer patient...

Noooo....Nooooo...the kid was a cancer patient?

[uberreiniger.livejournal.com]

Yes, yes he is. Apparently, he went into remission and Michael decided to celebrate by trying to increase his "white cell count," if you know what I mean.

[megiloth.livejournal.com]

Oh man....that was just wrong *slap*

[stitchedsutures.livejournal.com]

Hah! I have my own personal Uncle Billy that is living with me! I know things are a bad idea because Candace already did it. probably twice, since the original outcome could have been a fluke and you gotta make sure something really is a bad idea before you truly give up on it...

[uberreiniger.livejournal.com]

All except for Making Amanda Kill You. I'm sure she can only do that once. Unless you have voodoo resurrection powers I don't know about :D

Why didn't you tell me?

[donkeyjon.livejournal.com]

Good ol' Uncle Billy. You know, there's an entire mythos that stems from the Goose/Conner collective that makes me smile. Uncle Billy Tales, Eddie buying a pack of Marlboros, Providing joy for Honest Abe....

Ahh, memories..

[uberreiniger.livejournal.com]

That guy who's name I can't remember going to hell for stealing a buck from a homeless guy and punching a nun, THE SECOND MOOOOON!!! Ah, how I've missed Manhappiness.

I don't think I've ever heard of providing joy to Honest Abe, although there's a White Hot 4th of July variant that's similar. Enlighten me.

[donkeyjon.livejournal.com]

Conner and Goose had a bust of Abe Lincoln that sorta sat on a shelf and gathered dust for a while. Then, one day, they were talking and one of them mentioned that Abe Lincoln had to have had a pretty crappy life. I mean, he was born in a log cabin, and had to work constantly to get himself to the Presidency. Then, he had to work like a dog in the Presidency to keep the country from splitting down the middle. And what did he get in reward? A bullet in the brain pan.

We figure the disembodied head of the ghost of Lincoln now wanders the country begging smokes, beers, and illicit substances from people that he never had time for in his short, ugly life. As Americans, we owe the guy that much.

So, we began bringing the bust of Lincoln presents. Cigarrettes, hooch, posters for bands who came to Mae's, coasters from Vodka Slammer nights, and finally, a selection of garters from the strip club. We figure Abe deserves it, for all he did for us.