Never mind me, I'm just engaging in pointless gothy griping.

[uberreiniger]

Do you ever get the feeling that your flaws are starting to outnumber your good points? I feel a lot lately like that's the case with me. I'm moody, I snap at people I love without meaning too, I'm not as punctual as I could be, I procrastinate. It sometimes leaves me wondering just what's so great about me in the first place. I used to believe that it didn't matter what my flaws were; I kept the tenets of my spiritual beliefs and that gave me the key to being a better person, but I'm not even sure what I believe in spiritually anymore. And I haven't for close to ten years now. That's a long time to not know. I know at the core that I believe in Christ and that his sacrifice redeemed the world, but how does that relate to all the other religions in the world? I can't believe they all go to hell. Can sexuallity in and of itself really be a sin when it's clearly the most natural thing in the world? What has all that got to do with me and how good or bad a person I am?

Maybe I'm manic depressive or bi polar or something. I don't know and I'm not going to find out because I don't see what it will accomplish to pay a therapist to tell me something I already know. I can go from really happy and pleased to being really angry and unhappy within the space of an hour, sometimes more than once a day. It's not peaks and valleys of joy and rage, just general bubbly happiness followed by general malaise, regret and bitterness. I blame my living situation. I'm tired of people wandering in and out of my space all the time. I'm tired of having to come home and put on a happy face rather than have to explain things I'm feeling that I don't even understand myself.

I am uncomfortable. It's better to be uncomfortable because comfort breeds complacency. I wasn't getting anything done when I was alone and comfortable. At least like this I have a fire under me to do the things I need and want to do. I just wish I could do it all while being the person I wish I was. I'll have to work on improving me. That's really all there is to say on it.

Comments

[poorheather.livejournal.com]

I'm not even sure what I believe in spiritually anymore.

I think it's very natural and healthy to question one's beliefs from time to time, or in your case, to wonder as to just what you believe in, period. Have you given thought to researching different branches of Christianity to see what jives the most with you? If you feel that your faith represents a large part of your core personality, then I think it would be a good investment, time-wise.

The emotional ups and downs you describe do sound like symptoms of manic depression, and if they continue to interfere with your daily life, then definitely see help. Sure, a therapist may very well tell you what you already know, but there's a good possibility that there might be something else going on in your head that you weren't aware of. Either way, you would know what the issue is, and you would have a way to go about dealing with it and making it better instead of continually worrying that something is wrong.

*Hugs* to you, and I hope you feel more like the person you want to be soon.

[uberreiniger.livejournal.com]

It honestly doesn't interfere with my daily life per se, just more something I've noticed. If anything, going about my daily life makes it better. When I take a downward swing it saps my motivation, but when I ignore that and do things I know I should be doing anyway my motivation returns and I feel better.

Honestly, before I moved to KC I was involved in a Lutheran church which made me very, very happy. Trouble is, there are Lutheran churches like that and there are scary ultra-conservative Lutheran churches and finding out which is which takes some effort. If I could get involved in one that subscribed to the doctrines as the one I was in before, that would be swell.

[donkeyjon.livejournal.com]

Look for the ELCA. I'm a Lutheran, but we're Missouri Synod, and it is very likely that we are far to conservative for you (especially given that the church is pretty conservative for ME). Unfortunately, ELCA is also not a good solution unless you believe in supporting abortion, homosexuality, and female pastors. So, hey, it's a crapshoot. :)

[uberreiniger.livejournal.com]

That would probably be what the Lutheran Campus Ministry at K-State is. (Since that's what I was affiliated with and liked so much.) But the real question is are they supportive of backdoor redhead action? If they are, then they're alright by me! HuzzaH!

[donkeyjon.livejournal.com]

Yes, Pastor Jane is ELCA. Great lady. Awesome at Aikido. Just not the church for me.

[(Anonymous)]

Speaking on a purely personal level. I get moody and snippy when I'm not getting sufficient sleep and/or social interaction. I also tend to suffer at the hands of my low self-esteem most at those points.

Get some sleep. Then force some friends go to a movie with you. Even if it sucks.

-n0sh

[uberreiniger.livejournal.com]

You hit upon some good points. I get very little sleep and my social life is often lacking. I hadn't quite thought about it that way. You may indeed be right.

I'm going with a bunch of people to see Kill Bill vol. 2 this Friday. Hopefully that will do the trick.

[batchix.livejournal.com]

I know what you mean about religion. It's very strange sometimes to be a woman and be a Christian. Historically people have used scripture to demean and undermine women... so what is truth? How much of the Bible has been changed to reflect what a certain person in power believed or wanted people to feel? People once used an obscure part of what Paul said to discriminate against men having long hair or women having short hair. as they said in owen meany..." If God's worried about our bake sale we're in a lot more trouble than I thought." Where do we draw the line? And how do we hear God's voice above all the crap that is being spewed forth in this world? At any rate... I've just been trying to really read scripture and find the truth in it. Trying to figure out if it sounds like God to me- in how I've always felt that God is(while not always "fair" He IS just, loving, and merciful)... not only that but why would He create people a certain way(I believe sexuality is something that is born in you, not something you choose to feel- you can only choose wether or not you act on it) only to damn them for it.

As for feeling like you've no good points... I think you're really just suffering from a lack of personal contact with a significant other. It's different from just being lonely. It's hard to do personal upkeep on bad habits when you've no one to point them out to you... or reassure you that it's not as bad as it seems. That said, I think you get moody for no reason that can be understood every now and again(like EVERYONE ELSE) ... and you can be high strung. But you've a better, kinder heart than most people I know and are an extremely loyal and loving friend. :3 If you feel that you should work on yourself... then you should. Your conscience wouldn't be bugging you otherwise. :/

[uberreiniger.livejournal.com]

I hadn't thought of the significant other issue before. That's a good insight and I can definately see where that applies in my life.

I actually used to be even more conflicted about what I believed in until I realized one day that, wait a minute, all these really hostile things people quote to you don't come from Jesus, they come from Paul! Paul does make some valid and deeply insightful spiritual points, but by and large I think he went through life with an unrealistic set of standards for people that didn't so much come from God as from himself being a perfectionist. And like a lot of people in his age and his part of the world, he was a sexist and that comes through in his writing. I still say people need to keep in mind that when you read him, you're reading somebody else's mail and that you were never intended to read it or live your life around it. For all we know, he might have written any of those letters and then a week letter gone "man, why'd I write that?"

[rustie25.livejournal.com]

I don't think you are manic depressive. I think you are human. But if the ups and downs are so high and low that you cannot participate in daily activities when you are down (working, hanging out with friends)you might want to talk to someone. However, you sound like you have a sane take on things.
I think society is too quick to put labels on things. Sometimes you just hit a point in life when you question everything. I go from high to low in a matter of minutes some days. And I know I am "depressed" as my counselor tells me. But I dont want medication and talking to a counselor doesnt help me. Crying does. Being with people helps me. Mine is mostly situational and will lessen with time (I HOPE!). But it sucks feeling like that.
As far as your "flaws" I dont think any of those are horrible things. And just from your journal entries I can tell that you are intelligent, funny, thoughtful, caring, sarcastic (in my book that is good) and an all around good person. But if you dont like your flaws, then work on them. There is nothing wrong with trying to improve yourself.
*HUG* Hang in there. I hear it gets better.

[uberreiniger.livejournal.com]

Thanks. I kind of think society's too hasty to put labels on things too. And I've found that crying and being with people is really the best thing for me too. Wanna get together some time for a good cry? It's been a few months. I could probably use one.

[rustie25.livejournal.com]

Any time you want.

[uberreiniger.livejournal.com]

Okay, but with the proviso that afterward we head down to Rusty's Last Chance for some spare ribs. Mmmm... Damn I miss those!

[rustie25.livejournal.com]

Fine, you can eat ribs and I will drink beer. I miss drinking beer at Rustys. Only did it a couple times though. :)

[nolens-volens.livejournal.com]

Well, I think you're pretty great.

[uberreiniger.livejournal.com]

Aww... :)

[kali-81.livejournal.com]

That's all the stuff I started thinking before I came to the conclusion that Christianity just doesn't really make any sense.

And maybe you can't do it all while being the person you wish you were. There's nothing wrong with unloading a few things and leaving them on the side of the road, or at least forwarding them to where you'll be in a little while. Who knows - you might be your better person by then.

[uberreiniger.livejournal.com]

At it's core it makes sense to me. It just seems rather difficult to take the core without inheriting all the baggage I have trouble with as well. I have no interest in scrapping it, but I want to understand it.

I know by and large I'm not a terrible person. It's just not always easy to judge that from one's own perspective.

[buffygirl.livejournal.com]

doctor told me that I am somewhat bi-polar. I have a common type of depression though. doesn't make much sense. they put me on an anti-psychotic. seems to be working great though! I know feeling depressed sucks balls... I am sorry. I wish I could take it from you. I think you are a pretty great person though :) Your personality is great your sense of humor rocks :) Your a good person! Even if you snap sometimes. you are still great and you will get nothing but good coming back at you :)

[uberreiniger.livejournal.com]

Thanks so much. YOu're one of da good ones ;)

[buffygirl.livejournal.com]

:) I try