Thansgiving mit der Satanic Winter Goat
Nov. 21st, 2012 11:32 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
uberreinigerThis Thanksgiving I am thankful that I live in America where we have American Christmas. That is to say, we pretty much just buy gifts, get fat, watch sappy movies, and do it all in one tidy package on December 25th where we try to forget there are things like darkness and evil in the world.
Europeans don't have it so lucky. For one thing, your typical European country celebrates Christmas on some weird schedule where they'll actually have "Christmas" like, 17.5 hours before the day itself, and then they'll have it again, like, thirteen days later on the Feast of the Three Kings, or St. John the Baptist's Birthday, or the Feast of St. Cleonice Hildegund who was martyred in 917 A.D. for teaching the heathen Albigensians to eat with a fork. She was burned at the stake but was declared a saint because her body was not consumed by the fire. She still died of smoke inhalation, however, because sainthood is one bitch motherfucker.
But worst of all, in Europe Santa Claus - or Sinter Klause, or Senter Klootz, or Zaander Kluddz, or Krizter Kringlhoopen, or whatever the hell they're calling him depending on where you are - is, for want of a kinder phrasing, a real dick. He's not the playful old fellow in the red stocking hat we Americans know. Oh no. No, you're more likely to find him decked out in bishop regalia so over the top that a real bishop would probably blush at it. And if you are a good child, then on Christmas - or 17.5 hours beforehand, maybe - Saande Nikklusz will reward you with a small, unsweetened, unleavened cake.
Big whoop. But it beats the alternative.
If you are a bad child then Santa turns you over to his assistant, Skulsatan der Rapenmost. This horror from beyond the realms of pure hate has seven eyes, thirteen horns, one foot that is a cloven hoof, and another that is a fire-breathing fish - because fuck you, that's why! He also wears a dress, which would be hilarious if it wasn't made of severed human faces. That are still screaming. Bad children can expect to be skinned alive while having their tongues ripped out by hot pincers... and that's just for starters.Because your body can only take so much, but your soul is his forever.
European Santa is also accompanied by another minion known as Schwarz Peetr - "Black Peter" Black Peter is a time traveler from the future. He is made of metal surrounded by living tissue.
Okay, okay, so I basically just sort of skimmed over a few articles about Christmas in Europe and didn't really read them that close. Is it really worth busting my chops about? Let's enjoy a German Krampus parade!
Europeans don't have it so lucky. For one thing, your typical European country celebrates Christmas on some weird schedule where they'll actually have "Christmas" like, 17.5 hours before the day itself, and then they'll have it again, like, thirteen days later on the Feast of the Three Kings, or St. John the Baptist's Birthday, or the Feast of St. Cleonice Hildegund who was martyred in 917 A.D. for teaching the heathen Albigensians to eat with a fork. She was burned at the stake but was declared a saint because her body was not consumed by the fire. She still died of smoke inhalation, however, because sainthood is one bitch motherfucker.
But worst of all, in Europe Santa Claus - or Sinter Klause, or Senter Klootz, or Zaander Kluddz, or Krizter Kringlhoopen, or whatever the hell they're calling him depending on where you are - is, for want of a kinder phrasing, a real dick. He's not the playful old fellow in the red stocking hat we Americans know. Oh no. No, you're more likely to find him decked out in bishop regalia so over the top that a real bishop would probably blush at it. And if you are a good child, then on Christmas - or 17.5 hours beforehand, maybe - Saande Nikklusz will reward you with a small, unsweetened, unleavened cake.
Big whoop. But it beats the alternative.
If you are a bad child then Santa turns you over to his assistant, Skulsatan der Rapenmost. This horror from beyond the realms of pure hate has seven eyes, thirteen horns, one foot that is a cloven hoof, and another that is a fire-breathing fish - because fuck you, that's why! He also wears a dress, which would be hilarious if it wasn't made of severed human faces. That are still screaming. Bad children can expect to be skinned alive while having their tongues ripped out by hot pincers... and that's just for starters.Because your body can only take so much, but your soul is his forever.
European Santa is also accompanied by another minion known as Schwarz Peetr - "Black Peter" Black Peter is a time traveler from the future. He is made of metal surrounded by living tissue.
Okay, okay, so I basically just sort of skimmed over a few articles about Christmas in Europe and didn't really read them that close. Is it really worth busting my chops about? Let's enjoy a German Krampus parade!
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no subject
Date: 2012-11-22 06:47 am (UTC)granted, my mom puts weird things in our stockings... like new toothbrushes and new nail clippers. at first it was weird but now we look forward to it because they're things we always forget to buy.
no subject
Date: 2012-11-22 06:54 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-11-22 03:57 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-11-22 09:27 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-11-23 12:26 am (UTC)This is like the best blend of Halloween and Xmas ever invented. Germans are scary people, but they do great dark folk tales and even better metal music. ROCK ON!!
(I'm totally posting this on Facebook.)
no subject
Date: 2012-11-23 03:38 am (UTC)We Americans need to start a campaign to keep Krampus in Christmas!
no subject
Date: 2012-11-23 10:41 am (UTC)I use real names on Facebook, so only real life people I've met get access to that.
no subject
Date: 2012-11-24 06:04 am (UTC)Europe can get away with that, because of all the Catholing they do. You start poking Christmas too hard in America, the evangelicals will make us all sit in ice water and think hard about Baby Jesus.
no subject
Date: 2012-11-25 07:14 am (UTC)