Be "brave" and "overcome impossible odds." Then the world will never notice if you're STUPID!

[uberreiniger]

Anyone who's been following me for a while knows I watch Fox News Channel a lot. It's pretty much my standard background noise for around the house. You probably also know, or at least have heard about this thirteen year old girl who was surfing when a shark bit her arm off but she lived and now she's fine. What you might not know is that Fox News Channel seems to have an obsession with this girl and tonight on "Hannity & Combs" they interviewed her for what has to be the 97th time. It was the 94th of the 97 times that there has been absolutely nothing new to report at this girl. At all. Not even a little. Basically, if she farts, FNC is there to cover it and that's all. And I would be fine for all that if not for one bitter fact: This brave survivor of a girl is as dumb as a bag of hammers. I kid you not, it is painful watching people try and interview this girl. She literally CANNOT construct a sentence longer than four words. If pressed to go even that far, she just trails off into a vacant silence. She cannot begin a sentence without saying "uuuuummmmmmm..... yeeeaaahhh....." or "uuuuummmmm.... noooo...." You know Lumberg from Office Space? Take him, give him a daughter, drop her on her head a few times, never send her to school her whole life, then lop her damn arm off and you'll get this brainless twat. What's even worse is that every interviewer they pair her up with cannot go fifteen seconds without gushing over how BRAVE and how COURAGEOUS she is. If their flattery didn't sound so frighteningly sincere I'd think they were just desperately trying to cover up for the fact that this is the most hopelessly vacant creature ever to stumble into their midst, even by the exceptionally low standards of both surfers AND thirteen year-olds.

Now you might be saying. "Aw, give her a break. She's only thirteen!" Well in the words of some punk band who's song was covered by Metallica, SO F**KING WHAT? Harry Potter's only thirteen and he saves the world all the time! Macauly Culkin was suing his parents for millions at the age of thirteen! Yay, you survived a shark attack. Good for you. Quit going on TV and making an ass out of yourself. I don't see why a clueless moron should get special treatment for surviving something that kills both morlocks and eloi indiscriminately. You were in the shark's water and it bit you. WOW! You're SOOO BRAVE! When the shark comes up out of the water, rings your doorbell, and then bites you, THEN I'll be impressed. ("Uh, Landshark." "Uh. Candygram.") Damn thing probably only bit her because she began a sentence with "uuuuummmmm....." for the 375th time. I really wish my favorite news channel would find someone else to fill up their occasional empty fifteen minutes of programming 'cause this bleach-blonde bimbo-larva's fifteen minutes should've been over a long time ago.

Comments

[megiloth.livejournal.com]

You know Lumberg from Office Space?

Lumberg fucked her!

I saw one of the segments a couple weeks ago on "Hannity & Butthead" with that girl. Yeah, not the most brightest bulb on ye ol' Christmas tree. At age 13, I got my first computer and was programming. Sure it was a COMMODORE VIC-20...but that's beside the point :)

[stitchedsutures.livejournal.com]

Dear Tyree,
as a fellow citizen who is concerned about the future voters and adults of the world, i am very worried at the frequency in which you have been forced to resort to the term "dumb as a bag of hammers" to describe people. We must do something. the fate of our doomed world depends on it.

A Fellow Concerned Citizen.

[uberreiniger.livejournal.com]

Dear Fellow Concerned Citizen,

Your concerns have been duly noted and attended to. Henceforth, look for the expression "dumb as a bag of hammers" to be replaced with the expression "as dumb as a ton of feathers."

-Tyree

[stitchedsutures.livejournal.com]

if you only knew how close i was to ending my last comment to this with "instead of implying that one is as dumb as a bag of hammers, perhaps instead you should just hit her with a ton of feathers"... but you beat me to it. way to keep on the ball, oh ever vigilant Green Warlock.