Counting the moments
Jul. 23rd, 2003 04:05 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
uberreinigerCome on Wednesday noon, get here, get here... But then I tell myself I shouldn't wish for moments to go by faster because each moment that goes by is one you can never have back again. And I've wasted enough moments in my life. Just because I'd rather be somewhere else doesn't mean I can't make where I am right now worth while, right?
Went to Lesley's tonight as was the plan. Nothing really special, just a nice, quiet time. I got all melancholy after I left 'cause I'm gonna be away and not able to see her, and not wanting to leave her, and wanting to go back and hug her one last time, and all the other stuff I hear from people with significant others that generally makes them unbearable when they have to be seperated from their significant other for periods greater than two hours. All in all, it leaves me no choice but to look at things and say that I guess I still love her. Which is odd... me knowing we'll never be together and eager to meet new people and start a new dating relationship, yet still being in love with someone I can't have. Maybe it's just habit, having loved her for so long that it's just what I know and do without thinking. But if love could become a "habit" like that, the world would be a better place, wouldn't it? People wouldn't have to try and "save" relationships or "improve" them, they'd just do it because it's habit to put effort into that relationship. So much for the habit theory, then. My feelings for her don't feel destructive or like they're holding me back (except maybe in the sense of some of the unresolved issues we have from the past,) but I just wonder why they persist, and why they feel as comfortable and lived-in as a big old easy chair you've fallen asleep in on many a night while reading a favorite book.
Maybe it's a problem not so much of being unable to let go of her as not having met someone yet who inspires that kind of feeling on the same level. Maybe I'm holding those feelings like a glass slipper for whatever Cinderella who comes along that can fit them. Maybe it's a self-delusion and I should be looking for someone who inspires an entirely new and different set of feelings instead of ones as similar to past feelings as possible. Who knows. I honestly hadn't planned to carry on about this in this post. All I know is I'm hoping to meet some geeky chix at Gen Con and maybe make some new friends. Trouble is, virtually EVERY guy who goes to Gen Con is trying to meet those chicks. Oh well, competition makes you better at what you do, right?
Qusay and Uday Hussein are dead. We're losing almost one soldier every day in the streets of Iraq. Liberia which has never, ever mattered to our nation before all of a sudden matters now for reasons no one will explain. And our forces become thinner and thinner spread every day while governments like North Korea only sit and watch and laugh. Maybe now isn't the time in this world to be doing things like falling in love and taking vacations.
All the more reason to do them anyway.
Went to Lesley's tonight as was the plan. Nothing really special, just a nice, quiet time. I got all melancholy after I left 'cause I'm gonna be away and not able to see her, and not wanting to leave her, and wanting to go back and hug her one last time, and all the other stuff I hear from people with significant others that generally makes them unbearable when they have to be seperated from their significant other for periods greater than two hours. All in all, it leaves me no choice but to look at things and say that I guess I still love her. Which is odd... me knowing we'll never be together and eager to meet new people and start a new dating relationship, yet still being in love with someone I can't have. Maybe it's just habit, having loved her for so long that it's just what I know and do without thinking. But if love could become a "habit" like that, the world would be a better place, wouldn't it? People wouldn't have to try and "save" relationships or "improve" them, they'd just do it because it's habit to put effort into that relationship. So much for the habit theory, then. My feelings for her don't feel destructive or like they're holding me back (except maybe in the sense of some of the unresolved issues we have from the past,) but I just wonder why they persist, and why they feel as comfortable and lived-in as a big old easy chair you've fallen asleep in on many a night while reading a favorite book.
Maybe it's a problem not so much of being unable to let go of her as not having met someone yet who inspires that kind of feeling on the same level. Maybe I'm holding those feelings like a glass slipper for whatever Cinderella who comes along that can fit them. Maybe it's a self-delusion and I should be looking for someone who inspires an entirely new and different set of feelings instead of ones as similar to past feelings as possible. Who knows. I honestly hadn't planned to carry on about this in this post. All I know is I'm hoping to meet some geeky chix at Gen Con and maybe make some new friends. Trouble is, virtually EVERY guy who goes to Gen Con is trying to meet those chicks. Oh well, competition makes you better at what you do, right?
Qusay and Uday Hussein are dead. We're losing almost one soldier every day in the streets of Iraq. Liberia which has never, ever mattered to our nation before all of a sudden matters now for reasons no one will explain. And our forces become thinner and thinner spread every day while governments like North Korea only sit and watch and laugh. Maybe now isn't the time in this world to be doing things like falling in love and taking vacations.
All the more reason to do them anyway.
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no subject
Date: 2003-07-23 06:22 am (UTC)Now.. on the note of feelings. I think it can very well become a habit to feel a certain way with certain people. in fact, thats why some people have such a hard if not impossible time "letting go" when they have been let go, or the relationship ends. Or why you have a "letting go and moving on" period at all.. you have to "reprogram" your mind so to speak to make it reality in your fantasy mind that they really are unavailable to you in that sense anymore. And while i dont think its unhealthy to continue to love and care about someone you can't have (in a platonic sense since it can't be or won't be otherwise), you will really get nothing but unrequitted romantic love from sources in which the "romance" has ended if you dont make sure the feelings are on the platonic level. in fact, as you said.. you may be using those feelings as sort of a glass slipper for any future cinderella. This in itself is not necessarily bad, as if you had a healthy successful relationship in the past, you should look for similar mental/emotional traits.. you know traits of others who could be well adjusted to you. just make SURE you are not expecting any new shoeless princess to completely fit the impression of the foot of the last "true love".. it will never happen as no people on earth are the same and you dont want to go even subconsciously sabotaging something that could very well work, just because "it isnt HER" when it comes down to it. And no one wants to find out that their "significant other" eventually chose them because they were so much like the "other love".. thats just sorta creepy in a way if you now what i mean.. *hehe.. she's got the same hair, and eye color loves corn on the cob and everything..just like *her* hehe* And what if you DID find someone who was eerily like your original Cinderella? would you be head over heels ready to draw her right into that role of closeness and a deep personal relationship that you had before? or would you be willing to take your time and get to know this person that you really barely know, despite how much you might "feel" you know them since they fit "the slipper'? Just thoughts from my head is all. I'd say, keep the inspiration you get from Lesley (she is quite an inspiration, i could see already) as it is good and you like where it takes your mind and how you feel. But make sure you're open to some "new" sort of inspiration or stimuli. you never know.. it could be better or inspire you in ways you never imagined or thought you could be. And stop looking so hard! i know i know, this is coming from the coveted "only girl" at the freakin' comic con... but really.. you find the best things when you are seriously just doing what you do and not trying to meet a special someone(at least that's my take).
no subject
Date: 2003-07-23 06:23 am (UTC)On your posting about political situations.. it gets me too. its almost as if the politicians are getting so sloppy with their reasoning nowadays. i see it as "yes, we have the power, and the control. vote all you want. it wont carry over until we've already done what we want to do right now in the world" its like they dont even care about giving the people legitimate reasons for why they are sending our loved ones and family memebers anywhere. this is not just a U.S. problem of course.. but can you imagine all the "behind the scenes.. what really went on.." sort of A&E or History Channel programs that will be out after all this crap is over? And live NOT in fear! as you said.. life is so short and you spend so much time waiting for things anyway. its what i told my friend Sarah Jill.. she wants to come to disneyworld with her hubby this winter. she is afraid of terrorists. i plainly told her, she knows where her soul is going (she thinks like me) and things will happen or won't happen regardless of whether she and ben enjoy their given vacation time. you can either go see disneyworld, or sit forever in your nail salon in KC while the terror alert comes and goes, wondering what dinseyland is like this time of year...
there. i'm done this time.
no subject
Date: 2003-07-23 08:10 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-07-23 08:11 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-07-23 08:45 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-07-23 09:07 am (UTC)Second: Remember that people's feelings change constantly. Just because you feel love for Leslie doesn't mean that your whole outlook won't change when you meet the woman who wants you for her Brown Boy.
Third: (This one is going to offend people. My political beliefs are NOT those shared by my friends. Good thing, too, because I like to argue) If the US handles Liberia in the same way we handled Iraq, we're going to be in trouble. We have a penchant for declaring a war and then refusing to fight one. If a sniper in a section of Baghdad kills a US soldier, we should firebomb the entire section. This is how war works. It's bloody, it's cruel, it has no care for the value of human life, and he who is willing to commit the most atrocious overapplication of force will win. Consequently, the rebels in Liberia who are willing to fire mortars into civilian city centers are going to eventually win unless we stop them. How do we stop them? By killing every single one of them in embarrassingly public fashion. Then we start killing anyone they associated with in the last year or so. We continue to do this until the attacks stop.
In short, war isn't something the US is willing to do. And that's why we're catching so much flak and problems in Iraq.
Ok, I'm done with my fascist take on the issue. Time for some tea. :)
no subject
Date: 2003-07-23 09:23 am (UTC)And while L5R will consume the bulk of my time at the con, believe me, I plan to spend every spare minute I can immersing myself in all the other sights and sounds. If I can find a lonely gamer grrl in need of a Brown Boy, so much the better ;)
no subject
Date: 2003-07-23 09:29 am (UTC)Just kidding on that last sentence, btw ;) *hugs*