DEMONS!!!

For a future fiction project I have begun researching The Lesser Key of Solomon, the 17th century occultist's grimoire of choice. Of particular interest is the section known as the Ars Goetia which catalogues 72 of the biggest, baddest demons Hell has to offer and what you can get them to do for you if you know the proper spells and rituals. Even so, it would still be over 200 years before we would find out their exact hit point totals and experience point values. Thank you, Gary Gygax.

It's interesting how our perception of Evil changes throughout the centuries. Nowadays we like our demons brutally horrific or darkly beautiful. In the 17th century, people thought they looked like this:



By the way, that's Prince Stolas. And while he looks like someone primarily concerned with the expeditious consumption of Tootsie Pops he is no one to mess around with. According to the Ars Goetia he has 26 legions of demons at his command. Think about that before you make fun of his jaunty little crown. Also, the grimoire says that if summoned he will teach you, "astronomy and the knowledge of poisonous plants, herbs and precious stones."

Wouldn't it suck if an evil sorcerer who summoned Prince Stolas was your grumpy grandparent? "In my day we didn't have NIGHT CLASSES at the COMMUNITY COLLEGE! Back then if we wanted to learn about a poisonous plant or a precious stone we had to summon Prince Stolas. We had to barter our eternal soul to a giant owl monster and that's the way it was and WE LIKED IT!"

As interesting a character as Stolas is, however, someone who caught my eye even more was the Great Marquis Shax. Wikipedia didn't have a helpful illustration, but something in his description caught my eye.

Here's the relevant portion: He takes away the sight, hearing and understanding of any person under the conjurer's request, and steals money out of kings' houses, carrying it back in 1200 years. He also steals horses and everything the conjurer asks.

Sounds like you get a pretty sweet deal out of this guy. A guy who can turn anyone into a blind idiot is useful to have on the payroll. And like you're gonna care if he's repossessing the stuff he stole for you 1,200 years after the fact. But the thing about the horses puzzles me. Think about it: "Steals horses AND everything the conjurer asks." What does that mean? If he steals everything you ask then why list horses separately? Does that mean no matter what he steals he steals a horse along with it? What if you just ask him to steal a horse? Does he bring you just one horse or two? The first being his default horse and the second being "everything else you asked?" I can only imagine that when you summon the Grand Marquis Shax hijinx were bound to ensue...

17th Century Conjurer: Forsooth thine Infernal Majestie! Thou hast stolen everything from mine enemy and delivered it unto me just as I asked! Here art his gold! And there his jewels! Lo, the deeds and titles to his propertie! And lo, his marriage license as well! That could prove useful and... Why is there a horse in my living room?

Shax: Oh, that's his horse. I stole it.

Conjurer: But I didn't ask you for his horse. I don't need his horse.

Shax: I know. No matter what I steal I always steal a horse along with it.

Conjurer: Always? Whether I want it or not?

Shax: Yep. It's right there in the Grimoire, right below that adorable illustration of my owl friend Stolas wearing a jaunty crown.

Conjurer: So no matter what I ask you to steal I'm going to get a horse along with it too?

Shax: Pretty much.

Conjurer: NOOO! WHO COULD HAVE IMAGINED THIS FAUSTIAN DEAL WOULD HAVE TERRIBLE UNFORESEEN CONSEQUENCES!!??

Shax: Furthermore I think the horse needs to go outside... Uh, nevermind. He just pooped on your living room floor.

Do not traffick with devils and seek knowledge Man was not meant to know. Because after all, a horse is a big responsibility.