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A few weeks ago I posted my thoughts on giving money to homeless beggars. I stand by those remarks that I made. However...
...So help me, if I meet one more panhandler pushing the same tired story about how they "ran out of gas" I'm going to do something very drastic. It seems to be a popular scam here in Kansas City. Last week I had to run a woman off our client's property who has repeatedly bothered the employees as they're entering the parking lot with a sob story about how her two year-old daughter is in the car across the street and they're out of gas and she's from Chicago and doesn't know anyone, blah, blah, blah. She's been broken down across the street for over a year now. Her daughter must be getting very hungry.
Just now I stopped at the Quik Trip across the street to gas up as I was finishing my exterior patrol when a guy stumbles upon me with the out-of-gas story AGAIN! This guy was going all-out, too, with props and everything! He had a gas can in his hand. He'd parked his van in the parking lot with the hazard lights blinking and all the doors open. Quite lovely. Almost convincing. But if you're out of gas and at a gas station, why not coast your vehicle on up to a pump? And you really mean to tell me you're out at 5:00 am without a scrap of cash, no credit card, no debit card, no personal checks, no nothing? Uh, sorry pal. Would like to go for Double Jeopardy where the scores can REALLY change?
And here's another fact of which I think dong-toking asshats like this one should really be made aware: NOBODY in the real world has EVER run out of gas! Even among the stupidest people I have ever met, (and there are many,) NOT ONE of them has EVER been stupid enough to allow the fuel in their vehicle to entirely deplete. Running out of gas is something which only happens in horror movies so that the nubile teens will be stranded with no means of escape from the flesh-eating lunatics. And even this device is so ridiculous that it has been almost universally replaced by that more believable of gremlins: the broken fan belt.
That's right. Horror movies dropping a cliche because it's not believable enough. That should say something to any prospective beggars about their chances.
Amusing footnote: the woman "from Chicago", as I was running her off the other day, told me to have "a blessed day." Nice use of religious guilt there to make your persecutors pity you. Apparently she missed thepart about "Thou Shalt Not Steal." If you're such a religious con artist, maybe you should ask Jesus to help you with your story. Why? Because Jesus heals the lame and nothing is lamer than your pitiful con.
Tell me anything, you unimaginative reprobates. Tell me you were mugged by ninjas. Tell me your little girl is being held hostage and they're going to kill her unless you come up with ten million dollars. Hell, tell me you don't have medical insurance and need money to buy your perscription drugs, (in fact, that one I might actually believe!) But DON'T tell me you ran out of gas.
And in case you're wondering, no. I didn't give him anything.
*ADDENDUM* Please do not comment if you're going to say that you wound up stranded somewhere with no gas and how I won't think it's funny when it happens to me. I will mock you. I don't care how much I love you or how good a friend you are. I will still mock you. If Lesley herself were to come before me clad in nothing but a see-through negligee` and begging me to bury my smoldering erection deep within her hungry loins, only to mention that her car happens to be completely out of gas, I would desist in my gropings and mock her. If the final avatar of the Hindu god Vishnu were to materialize before me and announce that he has come to begin the final battle against the Demon Rakshasas and deliver the world into a new age of enlightened peace, all he needs is ten bucks to get his Honda going again, I would mock him. Go Demon Rakshasas! If my favorite metal band were to show up on my doorstep and ask me to play guitar for them because their guitarist quit and, oh, by the way, they weren't paying attention to the guage and just let the petrol in the van completely run out... well, you get the idea.
...So help me, if I meet one more panhandler pushing the same tired story about how they "ran out of gas" I'm going to do something very drastic. It seems to be a popular scam here in Kansas City. Last week I had to run a woman off our client's property who has repeatedly bothered the employees as they're entering the parking lot with a sob story about how her two year-old daughter is in the car across the street and they're out of gas and she's from Chicago and doesn't know anyone, blah, blah, blah. She's been broken down across the street for over a year now. Her daughter must be getting very hungry.
Just now I stopped at the Quik Trip across the street to gas up as I was finishing my exterior patrol when a guy stumbles upon me with the out-of-gas story AGAIN! This guy was going all-out, too, with props and everything! He had a gas can in his hand. He'd parked his van in the parking lot with the hazard lights blinking and all the doors open. Quite lovely. Almost convincing. But if you're out of gas and at a gas station, why not coast your vehicle on up to a pump? And you really mean to tell me you're out at 5:00 am without a scrap of cash, no credit card, no debit card, no personal checks, no nothing? Uh, sorry pal. Would like to go for Double Jeopardy where the scores can REALLY change?
And here's another fact of which I think dong-toking asshats like this one should really be made aware: NOBODY in the real world has EVER run out of gas! Even among the stupidest people I have ever met, (and there are many,) NOT ONE of them has EVER been stupid enough to allow the fuel in their vehicle to entirely deplete. Running out of gas is something which only happens in horror movies so that the nubile teens will be stranded with no means of escape from the flesh-eating lunatics. And even this device is so ridiculous that it has been almost universally replaced by that more believable of gremlins: the broken fan belt.
That's right. Horror movies dropping a cliche because it's not believable enough. That should say something to any prospective beggars about their chances.
Amusing footnote: the woman "from Chicago", as I was running her off the other day, told me to have "a blessed day." Nice use of religious guilt there to make your persecutors pity you. Apparently she missed thepart about "Thou Shalt Not Steal." If you're such a religious con artist, maybe you should ask Jesus to help you with your story. Why? Because Jesus heals the lame and nothing is lamer than your pitiful con.
Tell me anything, you unimaginative reprobates. Tell me you were mugged by ninjas. Tell me your little girl is being held hostage and they're going to kill her unless you come up with ten million dollars. Hell, tell me you don't have medical insurance and need money to buy your perscription drugs, (in fact, that one I might actually believe!) But DON'T tell me you ran out of gas.
And in case you're wondering, no. I didn't give him anything.
*ADDENDUM* Please do not comment if you're going to say that you wound up stranded somewhere with no gas and how I won't think it's funny when it happens to me. I will mock you. I don't care how much I love you or how good a friend you are. I will still mock you. If Lesley herself were to come before me clad in nothing but a see-through negligee` and begging me to bury my smoldering erection deep within her hungry loins, only to mention that her car happens to be completely out of gas, I would desist in my gropings and mock her. If the final avatar of the Hindu god Vishnu were to materialize before me and announce that he has come to begin the final battle against the Demon Rakshasas and deliver the world into a new age of enlightened peace, all he needs is ten bucks to get his Honda going again, I would mock him. Go Demon Rakshasas! If my favorite metal band were to show up on my doorstep and ask me to play guitar for them because their guitarist quit and, oh, by the way, they weren't paying attention to the guage and just let the petrol in the van completely run out... well, you get the idea.
