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I've been down today. Dwelling on the fact that I have so many "couple friends" and how it affects me. I always feel like such a damn third wheel it's not even funny. It's not anyone specifically, no one couple is to blame. It's everyone. The only ones who have honestly never made me feel that way is Sarah and Dave and for that I'm eternally grateful. Everyone else...
It's not bloody well like I can ask people not to display affection to one another when I'm a guest in their house, is it? There seems to be some unspoken taboo against it. It seems most times the couple just can't see the big deal or why you're reacting that way to their behaviour. I've had a lot of experience. I know. Still, I've had enough of it. A Hindu isn't out of line asking you not to eat cow in his presence, a non-smoker has every right to ask you not to smoke around him, and a third wheel shouldn't have to stand around being awkward and uncomfortable for 5-15 seconds at a time while you gaze longingly into one another's eyes and kiss.
Like I said, it's no one (or in this case, two,) person's fault. It's all around me. It's everywhere. Maybe it's just anger over my increasing lonliness. Maybe it's just another side effect of having my heart broken almost exactly a year ago now. I think it might be the latter. I was told a relationship would be a certain way, that it would happen a certain way and I believed it, believed it with all my heart up to the point where even a fool could see that whatever had existed at one time was over with. But no, I continued to have faith because that's what you do when you love someone and have been led to believe that they return at least some fraction of that love: you trust them. You believe in them. So I trusted and believed even as Rome burned to cinders all around me and by the time I noticed it, it was too late. Not that I believe there was ever a time when it wasn't too late, that anything I could've done or said at any phase would've made any difference. But at least then my heart could've been broken cleanly and in one stroke. Instead chips were broken off of it day after day for months at a time and to this day I still don't know exactly why or what I did to deserve any of it.
*sigh* It's nothing I haven't told the affected parties before. Saying it again now makes no difference. Same sob story, different audience. And for the scope of what happened, I think I've handled it pretty well. I am beyond ready to start dating again, for real this time. But the situation's changed me. That part of me that trusts and places faith so freely and so deeply in whomever I choose to love is damaged now, I can feel it. And I hate that. Despite all the heartbreaks and betrayals I've faced in my life that was the part of me I'd always prided myself on being invincible, all-powerful, all-forgiving, able to overcome any wound to trust and believe again. Now it's not functioning right anymore. It's leaking radiation and God help anyone who isn't shielded.
Perhaps some of you will read this and feel it's just common sense not to have unshakable faith in the power of the love and caring between two people, but not for me. To me, it just feels like weakness.
I've gotten very far afield from what I was originally talking about. Couples, remember your single friends this White Hot Fourth of July holiday season. And if you're not going to tone it down in front of them, then please, at least give them the common courtesy of allowing them to hold the video camera.
It's not bloody well like I can ask people not to display affection to one another when I'm a guest in their house, is it? There seems to be some unspoken taboo against it. It seems most times the couple just can't see the big deal or why you're reacting that way to their behaviour. I've had a lot of experience. I know. Still, I've had enough of it. A Hindu isn't out of line asking you not to eat cow in his presence, a non-smoker has every right to ask you not to smoke around him, and a third wheel shouldn't have to stand around being awkward and uncomfortable for 5-15 seconds at a time while you gaze longingly into one another's eyes and kiss.
Like I said, it's no one (or in this case, two,) person's fault. It's all around me. It's everywhere. Maybe it's just anger over my increasing lonliness. Maybe it's just another side effect of having my heart broken almost exactly a year ago now. I think it might be the latter. I was told a relationship would be a certain way, that it would happen a certain way and I believed it, believed it with all my heart up to the point where even a fool could see that whatever had existed at one time was over with. But no, I continued to have faith because that's what you do when you love someone and have been led to believe that they return at least some fraction of that love: you trust them. You believe in them. So I trusted and believed even as Rome burned to cinders all around me and by the time I noticed it, it was too late. Not that I believe there was ever a time when it wasn't too late, that anything I could've done or said at any phase would've made any difference. But at least then my heart could've been broken cleanly and in one stroke. Instead chips were broken off of it day after day for months at a time and to this day I still don't know exactly why or what I did to deserve any of it.
*sigh* It's nothing I haven't told the affected parties before. Saying it again now makes no difference. Same sob story, different audience. And for the scope of what happened, I think I've handled it pretty well. I am beyond ready to start dating again, for real this time. But the situation's changed me. That part of me that trusts and places faith so freely and so deeply in whomever I choose to love is damaged now, I can feel it. And I hate that. Despite all the heartbreaks and betrayals I've faced in my life that was the part of me I'd always prided myself on being invincible, all-powerful, all-forgiving, able to overcome any wound to trust and believe again. Now it's not functioning right anymore. It's leaking radiation and God help anyone who isn't shielded.
Perhaps some of you will read this and feel it's just common sense not to have unshakable faith in the power of the love and caring between two people, but not for me. To me, it just feels like weakness.
I've gotten very far afield from what I was originally talking about. Couples, remember your single friends this White Hot Fourth of July holiday season. And if you're not going to tone it down in front of them, then please, at least give them the common courtesy of allowing them to hold the video camera.
