I wonder the exact same thing. I sit and think "what would the world be like if there was a miniature Steph out there?" and then everything comes to me all at once: the war going on, crowded schools and poor education, I wont be able to handle the responsibility, I'm too poor to support this person when I can't handle a checking account but there's something else. Something underneath it .. that just ... feels dirty. Maybe it's my inherent loathing for humans that is causing it, because I am sort of disgusted by the fact that no matter what gender my child is or how they turn out - they grow inside me and then come out - so much for feminine pride, huh? During that thoughtwave I also experience feelings for the child - would they hate me for bringing them into this shit world and then move away like I did? Would I be able to handle putting all of that out there just to have them leave and not speak to me again?
My mother always asks me if I am going to provide her with grandchildren. She just doesn't understand. I don't want children because I don't want to be my mother. She had me when she wasn't ready to have children, and I don't want to repeat that. I was isolated, lonely while growing up - because even then I didn't think the world was worth paying attention to.
There are good things about having kids I suppose - but aside from cute little drawings of "mommy and kitty" on the fridge, I don't know what they are :(
And yes, the job thing w/Mel is a very good thing. I didn't get my coach job, but I *did* get the shift 1030-7 and my hours will be more in tune with Evan's now - we will still not be able to carpool, and there will still be days when I get home before him, but I won't have to go to bed so early anymore - and we can watch conan together again :)
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but there's something else. Something underneath it .. that just ... feels dirty. Maybe it's my inherent loathing for humans that is causing it, because I am sort of disgusted by the fact that no matter what gender my child is or how they turn out - they grow inside me and then come out - so much for feminine pride, huh?
During that thoughtwave I also experience feelings for the child - would they hate me for bringing them into this shit world and then move away like I did? Would I be able to handle putting all of that out there just to have them leave and not speak to me again?
My mother always asks me if I am going to provide her with grandchildren. She just doesn't understand. I don't want children because I don't want to be my mother. She had me when she wasn't ready to have children, and I don't want to repeat that. I was isolated, lonely while growing up - because even then I didn't think the world was worth paying attention to.
There are good things about having kids I suppose - but aside from cute little drawings of "mommy and kitty" on the fridge, I don't know what they are :(
And yes, the job thing w/Mel is a very good thing. I didn't get my coach job, but I *did* get the shift 1030-7 and my hours will be more in tune with Evan's now - we will still not be able to carpool, and there will still be days when I get home before him, but I won't have to go to bed so early anymore - and we can watch conan together again :)