uberreiniger: (Ow)
As a dear friend was talking about her period woes today, something occurred to me. We have all sorts of euphemisms for performing bodily functions and excusing ourselves to do the same. Everyone knows what is meant if a gentleman states he has to "drop some kids off at the pool" or "go drain the pickle." I realized, however, that women do not seem to enjoy the same plethora of descriptive terms for heading to the bathroom to deal with nature's monthly blessing of womanhood. So my friend and I started to come up with some appropriate terms with which to excuse yourself when heading to the ladies' room to change out your feminine product of choice.

-I'll be right back. Got to go and flush a shipment to Dracula's lair.

-Please excuse me, I've got to go fill the tub for Countess Bathory.

-Be right back! I'm sending this month's baby out in shipments!

-Back in a few! Gotta go strip the paint off the walls of the nursery!

-Time to go and uncork a bottle of pussy shiraz!

-Well, looks like a gotta go and take some blood-and-cotton casserole to the porcelain potluck!

And so on. You're welcome.
uberreiniger: (Perverts)

No, seriously, this is what I do on my lunch breaks. )

This was script was inspired by the recent hijinks of actor Jeremy Renner, who plays Hawkeye, who while on a flight from London to Los Angeles accidentally took Viagra when he meant to take Ambien. Enjoy!
uberreiniger: (Perverts)

Do you know what the key difference between porn and pizza is? You're far less likely to find pubic hair in your porn.
uberreiniger: (Manly Warrior Love! (base ladytalon))
Because if I were to write gay erotica it would probably come out looking like this...

uberreiniger: (Jacqueline & Dick)
NSFW funny behind the cut... )
uberreiniger: (Scruffy)
Nah, just kidding. I totally didn't write this. )

Real authorship credit apparently goes to one Chip Zdarsky. Mr. Zdarsky, I salute you, peeny in hand.
uberreiniger: (Futurama angry dome)
Since I can't share penis humor, here's some good old fashioned Star Wars-related humor at the expense of Rick Sanchez who lost his job at CNN after ranting about the Jews controlling the media... which he worked for up until he made that rant.

uberreiniger: (Scruffy)
Image behind the cut. )
uberreiniger: (lesbians!)
So... after looking at one of [livejournal.com profile] ravenbrenna's icons for a long time I have to wonder...

What would an ice cream flavor called "menage trois" have in it?


Jul. 5th, 2010 01:18 am
uberreiniger: (Satanic Winter Goat)
For a future fiction project I have begun researching The Lesser Key of Solomon, the 17th century occultist's grimoire of choice. Of particular interest is the section known as the Ars Goetia which catalogues 72 of the biggest, baddest demons Hell has to offer and what you can get them to do for you if you know the proper spells and rituals. Even so, it would still be over 200 years before we would find out their exact hit point totals and experience point values. Thank you, Gary Gygax.

It's interesting how our perception of Evil changes throughout the centuries. Nowadays we like our demons brutally horrific or darkly beautiful. In the 17th century, people thought they looked like this:


By the way, that's Prince Stolas. And while he looks like someone primarily concerned with the expeditious consumption of Tootsie Pops he is no one to mess around with. According to the Ars Goetia he has 26 legions of demons at his command. Think about that before you make fun of his jaunty little crown. Also, the grimoire says that if summoned he will teach you, "astronomy and the knowledge of poisonous plants, herbs and precious stones."

Wouldn't it suck if an evil sorcerer who summoned Prince Stolas was your grumpy grandparent? "In my day we didn't have NIGHT CLASSES at the COMMUNITY COLLEGE! Back then if we wanted to learn about a poisonous plant or a precious stone we had to summon Prince Stolas. We had to barter our eternal soul to a giant owl monster and that's the way it was and WE LIKED IT!"

As interesting a character as Stolas is, however, someone who caught my eye even more was the Great Marquis Shax. Wikipedia didn't have a helpful illustration, but something in his description caught my eye.

Here's the relevant portion: He takes away the sight, hearing and understanding of any person under the conjurer's request, and steals money out of kings' houses, carrying it back in 1200 years. He also steals horses and everything the conjurer asks.

Sounds like you get a pretty sweet deal out of this guy. A guy who can turn anyone into a blind idiot is useful to have on the payroll. And like you're gonna care if he's repossessing the stuff he stole for you 1,200 years after the fact. But the thing about the horses puzzles me. Think about it: "Steals horses AND everything the conjurer asks." What does that mean? If he steals everything you ask then why list horses separately? Does that mean no matter what he steals he steals a horse along with it? What if you just ask him to steal a horse? Does he bring you just one horse or two? The first being his default horse and the second being "everything else you asked?" I can only imagine that when you summon the Grand Marquis Shax hijinx were bound to ensue...

17th Century Conjurer: Forsooth thine Infernal Majestie! Thou hast stolen everything from mine enemy and delivered it unto me just as I asked! Here art his gold! And there his jewels! Lo, the deeds and titles to his propertie! And lo, his marriage license as well! That could prove useful and... Why is there a horse in my living room?

Shax: Oh, that's his horse. I stole it.

Conjurer: But I didn't ask you for his horse. I don't need his horse.

Shax: I know. No matter what I steal I always steal a horse along with it.

Conjurer: Always? Whether I want it or not?

Shax: Yep. It's right there in the Grimoire, right below that adorable illustration of my owl friend Stolas wearing a jaunty crown.

Conjurer: So no matter what I ask you to steal I'm going to get a horse along with it too?

Shax: Pretty much.


Shax: Furthermore I think the horse needs to go outside... Uh, nevermind. He just pooped on your living room floor.

Do not traffick with devils and seek knowledge Man was not meant to know. Because after all, a horse is a big responsibility.
uberreiniger: (heh.)
Taken from others before me: "Twilight's like soccer. They run around for two hours, nobody scores, and its billion fans insist you just don't understand."
uberreiniger: (Futurama Greeks)
-Right now KFC is selling its chicken in pink buckets and donating fifty cents from each bucket to breast cancer research. That sounds really awesome until you realize that a bucket of KFC chicken costs, like, $25. Gee, a whole twenty five cents. Don't put yourself out or nothing there, KFC. Plus you have to consider that their chicken probably causes cancer in the first place. Anything that tastes that good would have to.

-As part of their tie-in promotion with Iron Man 2 Burger King is selling the Whiplash Whopper, named after Mickey Rourke's character in the film. It has crushed peppers, hot sauce, fried onions, and pepper jack cheese. It will make you throw up, hurts your anus, and is brought to you by Mickey Rourke.

It will make you throw up. Hurts your anus. And is brought. To you. By. Mickey Rourke.

Want one?
uberreiniger: (theatre)
I saw found a link to this on Facebook and had to share it. It's the script to Shakespeare's lost play "Two Gentlemen of Lebowski."

uberreiniger: (Brock)
I cannot get this guy's bumper sticker out of my mind.

My thoughts on it... )
uberreiniger: (Futurama Greeks)
The Lonely Island featuring Natalie Portman.


NSFW as if Natalie Portman threatening to shit on your face ever could be.
uberreiniger: (commedia)

Since I'm tired of hearing economic doom and gloom all day long, here's a classic bit of financial humor from Steven Wright:

"My dog is worried about the economy because dog food is up to $3.50 a can. And that's like fifteen bucks in dog money..."

uberreiniger: (Leonidas Helmet (base ladytalon))
All praise to whatever creative nutjob put together this clip imagining what the Watchmen would be like as an '80's cartoon show.

uberreiniger: (the power of scientology)
Over at a friend's blog this morning [livejournal.com profile] megiloth and I started making up fake Nostradamus predicitions. This led to us describing the plots of various movies and TV shows using Nostradamus-style quatrains. See if you can guess the film or show that the great prophet predicted all those centuries ago.

Some entries modified from their original format.

Biting the fingers of the small one
The twisted one perishes in fire
From the tower a burning eye falls
Amid a lengthy conclusion, the king returns

The wheeled chariot is pulled by many hundred steeds
Upon four score and eight, time is changed
Only when fire from the heavens hits the stone timepiece
Will the youth be sent back and save the doctor

Between keeper of gate and master of key
The traveller arrives, a nimble minx.
That which must not be crossed merges
From a high place, the great marshmallow falls

A circle of four will be accused of crimes they did not commit
Militant in triumph and will not be taken alive
The elder smokes tobacco as the golden African will not fly
Their armanents will be abundant, but few will succumb

Within the frozen chamber the steed of Rome prepares
Blows fall against the flesh of the slaughtered calf
Ten and five shall the battle rage
Before the wrath of Apollo, the warrior falls.

In snow lay the mountains of the west
From thence a youth of vast bones shall come
He shall be as a scourge unto Israel
The Hooded One dies many deaths

In the Asian mountains war is waged
The merchant of death returns a knight
He rises in battle against the Covetous One
Heralded by the sounds of a darkened Sabbath

When the Fated One fails to maintain the Great Code
The silver bird falls from the sky
From the sea a remnant shall emerge
They suffer peril in the dungeons of the Octagon

Once per anuum shall it be decreed
That peril and despair shall rise upon one another
Heaping new sorrows upon each hour of the day
Unending wakefulness for the Golden-Haired one

The hunted Gladiator seeks the Golden Timepiece
The false Elijah shall repent
Europe shall confound the weight of an animal's flesh
Struck through the heart, the fallen Queen arises.

Okay I'm bored with it now. Have fun guessing!
uberreiniger: (commedia)
[livejournal.com profile] stitchedsutures linked this and I just had to share it. It is everything I despise about Nickelback made hilarious, as well as quite possibly the most awesome record review of all time. I've lost track of how many times over the last few years I've had some version of this exchange:

Me: So you like metal?
Other Person: Yeah! I just got the new Nickelback cd!
Me: *facepalm*

To those people, this is for you.

uberreiniger: (bukkake)
Tom Brokaw and Tax Cunts.

Tom Brokaw and bukkake.

Thanks to [livejournal.com profile] megiloth from whom I stole these. Ah, the instant and irrevocable regrets of live television and the eternal and irrevocable shame of Youtube. They are the bleach and ammonia of the internet age.


uberreiniger: (Default)

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