uberreiniger: (Default)
I have purchased several guitars in my lifetime and the vast majority of them have been bought via Ebay. I won't lie, I love shopping for music gear on Ebay. It's a thrill ride. If you've never compulsively Ebay shopped, you won't understand. Even when I am not actively looking to buy, I still enjoy just going and looking at the listings because I love to covet and admire things from afar. In my years of searching I have discovered that a secret language exists among online music gear sellers. Knowing how this coded language works can make your shopping experience far more enjoyable. With that in mind, I am passing the savings on to you and breaking down a few expressions and terms commonly seen in music gear listings and explaining what they really mean.

"Signature Model"
Definition - An affordable assembly line-crafted simulacrum of the one-of-a-kind handmade guitar played by a given rock star. Beware of sellers who try to fool the uninitiated into thinking it's an instrument said rock star once actually played.

"Vintage"
Definition - Technically a rare and valuable instrument, no longer made. However, "Vintage" is more often used to justify the exorbitant asking price for an instrument that looks like it has been beaten, kicked, barfed on, pissed on, shat on, cummed on, and possibly thrown down a flight of fucking stairs.

"I hate to sell it but I just don't play it anymore."
Translation - My spouse is making me get rid of it.

"I hate to sell it but I need the money more."
Translation - I knocked a girl up and am now having to finance my own shotgun wedding.

"I hate to sell it but I have too many guitars already."
Translation - I am liquidating my assets so my ex can't come after them.

I hope this improves your shopping experience!

uberreiniger: (Crush German)
As most of you know, I have a near-sexual obssession with B.C. Rich brand electric guitars. So I regularly like to cruise the various e-bay auctions for them and window-shop even though I can't afford another one right now. Now you may care about electric guitars as much as the Amish do about iPods, but I just had to share...

THIS

What's wrong with this picture? Re-read that first line of text in the item description: "alder body refinished in deep purple, lots of wear, 2 plugged bullet holes (10mm) near pot..."

Bullet holes? BULLET HOLES!? May I ask you why, why O WHY your guitar has BULLET HOLES!? I'm hoping, really hoping that some guy just got really liquored up and decided to use his bass for target practice. Maybe it wouldn't stay in tune or something? I don't know. But really Mr. Auctioner, if I wave a black light over the front of that instrument, what am I going to find? I will admit I fancy guitars that look like murder weapons but I don't think I want one that was involved in an actual murder, y'know? To say nothing of the fact they're charging over a thousand American dollars for it. If I'm going to pay over a thousand dollars for something that's been shot by a gun it had BETTER be edible and have enough meat to feed me for a damn long time.

Still, assuming the thing somehow magically still works worth a damn, I've got to say owning that would make you the most metal guy in the band. I'd hate to show up to band practice with that motherfucker.

BASS PLAYER: My bass is so metal it's been SHOT by a fucking handgun!
GUITAR PLAYER: My guitar... um... it's got this shiny Metallica sticker... um...*

Perhaps this whole strange ebay listing can best be summed up by one simple phrase: "What the fuck is wrong with German people?"

*Although details remain sketchy, the guitar player allegedly left in the middle of rehearsal that night. Eyewitness said he was crying. His guitar with the Metallica sticker was found the next morning in the neighbor's trash can. The guitarist was not seen for several months, but was later seen in the orchestra at the local church. He was playing the piccolo.

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uberreiniger

July 2015

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